Thoughts

The most meaningful words right now:

Your blood speaks a better word, than all the empty claims I’ve heard upon this earth, speaks righteousness for me, and stands in my defense… Jesus, it’s your blood…

Everyone is trying to define God, to put Him in a box, with a lid on, with instructions to say: do this and you will get this, pray like this and you will get this, fast like this and He will reward you, read your Bible like this and you will please Him and He will give you what you want. It is exhausting. It is meaningless, empty, useless, stale -air.

God Almighty is outside of all our borders, outside of all our boxes, He is uncontainable, He is undefinable, He does not fit into any human box, we cannot fathom Him with our little minds… and yet we never cease trying. Oh, how we fight to understand this Being, who is so unlike us. Because if we can just understand Him, then we can control Him. And if we can just control Him, He will give us what we want.

Disappointment. I am disappointed that God has not given me what I want. As if somehow He should be at my beck and call. That if I pray hard enough He should always give me what I want.

How little we understand Him. How little we understand ourselves. What we really need. How, in His goodness He withholds from us that which is not for our best. How I accuse Him of not being there…. When He is EVERYWHERE. When He has been where my eye cannot see… And still I accuse…

Have you ever stopped to think where you might be if God had given you everything you wanted?

You might be with the perfect husband, and the perfect brood of children, in the perfect house, in the perfect suburb, with a perfectly fulfilling job…

without God…

And still I rage and accuse: that He gave me this physical body and I’m in a physical world and I have these physical world requirements that HE created me with… so how dare He withhold it from me…?

….How dare I belittle the grace of God upon my life? When in an instant He can take this gift of precious life, the very breath that I breathe, from this grumbling soul… and what will remain?

Deep calls unto deep.

God knows.

He knows everything.

He knows every need.

And He knows that at the base of every longing and every desire is our longing for Him. And He knows how we can fill our lives with things, things to dull the longing, things that momentarily satisfy desire, things that occupy, things that fascinate, things that mystify… but only for a moment… And then the longing starts again… “God, a better job… God a bigger house… God just this one thing… God please… I need it… God, I need it!!!”

And so, IN HIS GREAT MERCY, IN HIS LOVING KINDNESS, He withholds

And how it offends me…

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It is grace that I need.

Not a husband, or a better car, or a better life.

What I need is to get on my knees and to worship the Uncreated One, because He is not like me, because I cannot understand Him, because He is outside of time, because He is all-knowing, and all-powerful, and full of grace and mercy and loving-kindness. Because He has not dealt with me according to what I deserve, but He has been gracious to me…

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